Who Is Maas?
Best Of 2011

The end of the year has come again & with that brings another installment of my ‘Best Of’ lists. Below I’ve posted a list of my 50 favorite albums of the year, 10 favorite singles of the year, & my 30 favorite songs of the year (with my favorite lyric from each of the 30 songs as well). As always, this is my personal opinion. My list reflects how much I personally enjoyed a song or CD. As always, feel free to leave comments with your thoughts on my lists and/or your own personal lists, letting me know your favorite albums/songs/singles of 2011. Cheers & here’s to hoping 2012 has some great music for our ears, hearts, minds, & souls. Much love, Maas

Best CDs Of 2011:

50.Dredg’s “Chuckles And Mr. Squeezy”

49.Kay Kay And His Weathered Underground’s “Introducing: Kay Kay And His Weathered Underground”

48.Sainthood Reps’ “Monoculture”

47.Coldplay’s “Mylo Xyloto”

46.Protest The Hero’s “Scurrilous”

45.Funeral For A Friend’s “Welcome Home Armageddon”

44.Lydia’s “Paint It Golden”

43.The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ “The Magic Of Youth” 

42.Rise Against’s “Endgame”

41.The Get Up Kids’ “There Are Rules” 

40.Emery’s “We Do What We Want”

39.Four Year Strong’s “In Some Way, Shape Or Form”

38.Death Cab For Cutie’s “Codes And Keys”

37.Mock Orange’s “Disguised As Ghosts”

36.Transit’s “Listen And Forgive”

35.Mansions’ “Dig Up The Dead”

34.The Builders And The Butchers’ “Dead Reckoning”

33.Deas Vail’s “Deas Vail”

32.Iron And Wine’s “Kiss Each Other Clean”

31.Set Your Goals’ “Burning At Both Ends”

30.Yellowcard’s “When You’re Through Thinking, Say Yes”

29.Blink-182’s “Neighborhoods”

28.Augustana’s “Augustana”

27.The Wonder Years’ “Suburbia I’ve Given You All And Now I’m Nothing”

26.Fleet Foxes’ Helplessness Blues”

25.Astronautalis’ “This Is Our Science”

24.The Swellers’ “Good for Me”

23.Kevin Devine’s “Between The Concrete And Clouds”

22.Butch Walker’s “The Spade”

21.Thursday’s “No Devolución”

20.Foo Fighters’ “Wasting Light”

19.Taking Back Sunday’s “Taking Back Sunday”

18. Mute Math’s “Odd Soul”

17.Incubus’ “If Not Now, When?”

16.New Found Glory’s “Radiosurgery” 

15.Bayside’s “Killing Time”

14.MC Lars’ “Lars Attacks”

13.City And Colour’s “Little Hell” 

12.The Horrible Crowes’ “Elsie”

11.Bright Eyes’ “The People’s Key” 

10.The Dangerous Summer’s “War Paint”

9.Portugal. The Man’s “In The Mountain In The Cloud”

8.I Am The Avalanche’s “Avalanche United”

 7.Jack’s Mannequin’s “People And Things”

 6.Bon Iver’s “Bon Iver, Bon Iver”

 5.Saves the Day’s “Daybreak”

 4.Thrice’s “Major/Minor”

 3.Eisley’s “The Valley”

 2.States’ “Room To Run”

 1.Manchester Orchestra’s “Simple Math”

Best Songs:

30.”With You Around” by Yellowcard

‘All I can think about is you & me driving with a Saves The Day record on. We were singing til our voices were gone & I was falling hard, you were barely hanging on & now I wanna chase forever down, with you around.’

29.”Teardrops In The Well” by Lovedrug

‘Close your eyes, we’ve got to get out of here. Let our old lives fade away.’

28.”St. Peter’s Cathedral” by Death Cab For Cutie

‘When the candle in the tunnel, is flickering & sputters & fading faster, it’s only then that you will know what lies above or down below or if these fictions only prove how much you’ve really got to lose.’

27.”Summer Camp Love (Is So In Tents)” by MC Lars

She’s the type of girl I’d ask to wear my onion ring.’

26.”Measure The Globe” by Astronautalis

‘I know what you dream of, I dream of it too. Of roads that are endless and rooms that are huge. Are these visions of Heaven or nightmares I’m living? All I know, is that I’m scared of the truth.’

25.”Local Man Ruins Everything” by The Wonder Years

‘I’m not a self help book, I’m just a fucked up kid.’

24.”Exit Summer” by Set Your Goals

‘Conviction came when no one else believed in us.’

23.”Sad Savior” by Taking Back Sunday

‘You don’t have to pretend to be an orphan anymore.’

22.”Trainwreck” by New Found Glory

‘Falling in love is like a trainwreck, if you make it out alive, you still haven’t made it.’

21.”The Wrong Way” by Bayside

‘Some day you’ll find something, that makes you feel okay, until then you make your own way.’

20.”Shell Games” by Bright Eyes

‘If I could change my mind, change the paradigm. Prepare myself for another life, forgive myself for the many times I was cruel to something helpless & weak.’

19.”Everyone Left” by The Dangerous Summer

‘I’ll live alone & find my peace.’

18.”Pensacola” by Manchester Orchestra

‘I am the greatest man that never lived & now I never sleep. I never lost a fight, but never knew I started one the same. I never knew how capable I would become.’

17.”Natives” by Blink-182

‘I am the prodigal son, a shameful prodigy too. I am the love of your life, battering ram & confused. I turn each day into night, I stand there waiting for you. There is desire to fight, but I have nothing to prove. With the crowd & some lights, I start to feel things move. Do you have something to hide? Cuz I think that we all do. I am a child inside, back up & give me some room.’

16.”Isadore” by Incubus

‘Blinded by their unbridled height, our lovers turned dissolute.’

15.”Minnesota,WI” by Bon Iver

‘So carry on my dear, what is clear up in the daylight is we’re hung here. Fall is coming soon, a new year for the moon & the Hmong here. Never gonna break.’

14.”Between The Concrete And Clouds” by Kevin Devine

‘To settle your debts you took a dozen steps or started on the path. Kept falling off when faced with righteousness, you couldn’t work the math. God in the wood, the words, the coffee pot. It wasn’t adding up. At war with yourself, afraid of everyone. You said, “Enough’s enough.”’

13.”Empty Glass” by Thursday

‘Sold my wedding ring to another man, who was drunk in lust far away from home. Now I’m waking up with an empty hand, trying to buy something to take me away. The page I’ve written, I’ll sleep in the space where no one’s breathing. We’ll trade all our memories for forgetting.’

12.”Go Tell Everybody” by The Horrible Crowes

‘I’ve got miles on my shoes that your brothers can’t buy. I’ve got more than your man, more than even what he wants. I carry each & every ghost of my lovers at once.’

11.”Allies” by Mute Math

‘Somehow this war is out of control. We never find our enemy, we’re gunning down whatever breathes.’

10.”Little Hell” by City And Colour

‘There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. From my haunted past, comes a daunting task of living through memories. If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past & forget it all’

9.”Can’t Explain” by States

‘At first, there comes a rushing heat, then all the little feelings start to gather at my feet & now I know that I’m sounding crazy,but I guess, oh well. I can’t explain but feel like I’m under a spell so, are you bewitching?’

8.”Arlandria” by Foo Fighters

‘I wanna see if you can shake.I want to keep all I can take, I feel much better now.Use me up, spit me out, let me be your hand-me-down.’

7.”Brooklyn Dodgers” by I Am The Avalanche

‘Whatever happened to all the New York gentlemen?’

6.”Ambulance” by Eisley

‘Is it really safe to say that we’re made that way? Made to brave the pain.’

5.”Release Me” by Jack’s Mannequin

‘I’ve been known to take a big chance, but I can’t waste another shot at redemption. Oh, I’m ready don’t let me go passing through the wrong hands, wrong hands. My confidence is in crisis mode, your fingertips, well they know the code.’

4.”1984” by Saves The Day

‘I need you, I need your love. I’m trying, to rise above. I want you, to bring me back to life.’

3.”Head Is A Flame (Cool With It)” by Portugal. The Man

‘Well we all get strange & we know it, but we’re cool with it & we all get a little bit older, in this day & age, but we deal with it.’

2.”Emphasis” by Sleeping At Last

‘The smartest thing I’ve ever learned is that I don’t have all the answers.’

1.”Words In The Water” by Thrice

‘With water in my eyes, the words began to rise from their place.They were beautiful & dread, I reached for them & fed on each phrase.They were honey on my lips, then a bitter twist in my side.I knew they’d lay me in my grave. “Is there no one who could save me?” I cried.’

Best Singles:

10.”Promises” by Thrice

9.”Shell Games” by Bright Eyes

8.”Smarter” by Eisley

7.”Timebomb” by States

6.”The Best I Ever Had” by The Swellers

5.”War Paint” by The Dangerous Summer

4.”Anthem For The Unwanted” by New Found Glory

3.”Sixteen” by Deas Vail

2.”Simple Math” by Manchester Orchestra

1.”Brooklyn Dodgers” by I Am The Avalanche

Best Sets:

10.MC Lars at Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre

9.Anberlin at Pop’s

8.Story Of The Year at The Pageant

7.Circa Survive at Pop’s

6.Jack’s Mannequin at Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre

5.Manchester Orchestra at The Pageant

4.Bright Eyes at The Pageant

3.The Graduate at The Hilton

2.Jimmy Eat World at The Pageant

1.Less Than Jake at Pop’s

“Bitches N Niggaz”  Funniest song I’ve heard in awhile. LMAO!

Best Of 2010

Best Sets Of 2010:

10.Deas Vail at Off Broadway on September 5th 

9.The Junior Varsity at Dublin Pub on July 30th 

8.Motion City Soundtrack at The Pageant on October 26th 

7.Sleeping At Last at The Luminary Center For The Arts on April 14th 

6.Park at The Hilton on November 6th 

5.Kevin Devine at The Firebird on April 9th 

4.Portugal. The Man at The Gargoyle on February 27th 

3.Fun. at The Firebird on October 8th 

2.Something Corporate at The Pageant on August 4th 

1.Minus The Bear at The Firebird on July 12th 

Best Singles Of 2010:

20.Bad Books-”You Wouldn’t Have To Ask”

19.Portugal. The Man-”The Dead Dog”

18.Jarrod Gorbel-”Ten Years Older”

17.Neon Trees-”Animal”

16.Lakes-”Back In Your Head”

15.Travie McCoy-”Billionaire”

14.The Audition-”You Ruined This”

13.Mumford And Sons-”Little Lion Man”

12.The Rocket Summer-”Hills And Valleys”

11.VersaEmerge-”Fixed At Zero”

10.The Gaslight Anthem-”American Slang”

9.Hellogoodbye-”When We First Met”

8.The Spill Canvas-”Our Song”

7.Motion City Soundtrack-”Her Words Destroyed My Planet”

6.Envy On The Coast-”Head First In The River”

5.Minus The Bear-”My Time”

4.Coheed And Cambria-”The Broken”

3.The Graduate-”Don’t Die Digging”

2.Jimmy Eat World-”My Best Theory”

1.Circa Survive-”Get Out”

Best Songs Of 2010:

25.The Hold Steady-”Soft In The Center”

24.Rufio-”This I Swear”

23.Frightened Rabbit-”Skip The Youth”

22.Lakes-”The Feeling”

21.Number One Gun-”Big Machines”

20.Travie McCoy-”Superbad (11:34)”

19.The Rocket Summer-”Of Men And Angels”

18.Hellogoodbye-”You Sleep Alone”

17.Anberlin-”We Owe This To Ourselves”

16.Circa Survive-”The Longest Mile”

15.Rocky Votolato-”What Waited For Me”

14.The Spill Canvas-”Good Graces, Bad Influence”

13.Jarrod Gorbel-”Impressions”

12.The Gaslight Anthem-”Bring It On”

11.Lovedrug-”We Were Owls”

10.Minus The Bear-”Secret Country”

9.Bad Books-”I Begged You Everything”

8.The Graduate-”Halfway There”

7.Colour Revolt-”8 Years”

6.VersaEmerge-”Mind Reader”

5.The Great Outdoors-”Old Bones”

4.Envy On The Coast-”Southern Comfort”

3.Good Old War-”That’s Some Dream”

2.Dessa-”Mineshaft II”

1.The Audition-”He’s All You Want”

Best EPs Of 2010: 

5.Mae-”(A)fternoon”

4.The Spill Canvas-”Abnormalities”

3.Lovedrug-”Part I”

2.Neon Trees-”Habits”

1.The Great Outdoors-”Board Up Our Homes”

Best CDs Of 2010:

50.The Wonder Years-”The Upsides

49.Chiodos-”Illuminaudio”

48.Just Surrender-”Phoenix”

47.The Hold Steady-”Heaven Is Whenever”

46.Analog Rebellion-”Ancient Electrons”

45.Ivoryline-”Vessels”

44.The Bled-”Heat Fetish”

43.Max Bemis And The Painful Splits-”Max Bemis And The Painful Splits”

42.Pierce The Veil-”Selfish Machines”

41.Cary Brothers-”Under Control”

40.Band Of Horses-”Infinite Arms”

39.The Classic Crime-”Vagabonds”

38.Sufjan Stevens-”The Age Of Adz”

37.The Reign Of Kindo-”This Is What Happens”

36.Valencia-”Dancing With A Ghost”

35.Fair-”Disappearing World”

34.House Of Heroes-”Suburba”

33.Underoath-”Ø (Disambiguation)”

32.Coheed And Cambria-“Year Of The Black Rainbow”

31.Frightened Rabbit-“The Winter Of Mixed Drinks”

30.Rufio-“Anybody Out There”

29.Colour Revolt-“The Cradle”

28.Anberlin-“Dark Is The Way, Light Is A Place”

27.Motion City Soundtrack-“My Dinosaur Life”

26.The Rocket Summer-“Of Men And Angels”

25.I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody’s Business-“The World We Know”

24.Number One Gun-“To The Secrets & Knowledge”

23.Four Year Strong-“Enemy Of The World”

22.Punchline-“Delightfully Pleased”

21.Mumford And Sons-“Sigh No More”

20.Steel Train-“Steel Train”

19.Jarrod Gorbel-“Devil’s Made A New Friend”

18.The Audition-“Great Danger”

17.Mt. St. Helens Band-“Where The Messengers Meet”

16.Rocky Votolato-“True Devotion”

15.VersaEmerge-“Fixed At Zero”

14.Lakes-“The Agreement”

13.Good Old War-“Good Old War”

12.Bad Books-“Bad Books”

11.Ludo-“Prepare The Preparations”

10.The Tallest Man On Earth-“The Wild Hunt”

9.Jimmy Eat World-“Invented”

8.Dessa-“A Badly Broken Code”

7.The Graduate-“Only Every Time”

6.Circa Survive-“Blue Sky Noise”

5.Portugal. The Man-“American Ghetto”

4.Envy On The Coast-“Lowcountry”

3.The Gaslight Anthem-“American Slang”

2.Minus The Bear-“Omni”

1.Hellogoodbye-“Would It Kill You?”

Throughout 2010, I listened to a lot of albums & went to a lot of concerts. I tried to highlight my favorites from the world of music from the past year. Keep in mind that this list is my personal opinion. I hope that everyone can come away from this list with some new bands/albums/songs/live shows that they would like to check out in the near future. If you would like to listen to any of these albums/songs, then I would be more than happy to send them to you. Here’s to hoping that 2011 has some great music in store for us as well. I hope you enjoy the list.

I’m the Grinch, that stole Christmas.

Everyone I know has been all giddy and excited for Christmas recently, let’s just say that I’m less than enthused. Christmas to me is just another holiday for people to get greedy and self absorbed. Maybe I hate Christmas because I have nothing to look forward to. My mom’s birthday was on Christmas, so since she died 9 years ago, Christmas is spent with me sunk into myself feeling depressed. 5 years ago, my best friend killed himself during winter. Two days ago we got our first massive snow fall of the year & what do you know, my mom passed away in snow. Maybe I hate the holidays, because I have no one that cares about me. No one that will kiss me under the mistletoe and hold me close and make me feel happy if only for a moment. Also, since when did Christmas become a secular holiday? Christmas is more about Santa and presents than Jesus and doing good deeds. I haven’t had a present that I’ve actually wanted for Christmas since like 2000, so if you want to get down to the greedy, self-absorbed part there you go. It’s also another holiday for the belligerent drunks to be out in full force spreading their good cheer (as well as their STDs and vomit). To top all of this off, things are on the rocks with the current woman that I care for (not to mention she’s 895 miles away for the next three weeks :’(), if I mess up on these four finals this week I am kicked out of the university, and I am low on money at the present time as well. For once, I just want things to go my way. I don’t want to be the Grinch. I want to be able to enjoy the holidays just like everyone else. I’m a good person, so how come I’m always left feeling deep sadness and feeling so bleak? I try. I really do. Yet, I know people that seem to just go through life without a care in the world and are handed everything. I know that this world isn’t meant for me, but I have no say in which world I live in. I’m forced to live in this sack full of shit known as America where being a whore, thief, liar, and drunk gives you power instead of being looked down upon. I just want to be set free. I want to pass my finals. I want Melissa to come back to Illinois and be in my arms. I want to work on getting money. I want to try and become more optimistic, but it’s hard when you’re constantly being torn down and when nothing goes your way. :-/

Dear Assholes,

musicspeaksforitself:

I’ve decided that you guys are no longer going to be a part of my life. I will occasionally encounter your kind here and there, but you will never be a part of my life anymore. It’s best to part ways because to be quite frank, I can’t deal with any of your negative bullshit, ignorant statements, and foolish opinions. So if you can so kindly fuck off, that would be dandy.

 Good day and good riddance.

Jacky

holymaurymotherofgod:

DAAAAMN
w00t STL!

w00t STL!

“I’ll wait ‘til my heart mends, so I can finally go outside.”

Everyone & their grandma has been tired of hearing me talk about Morgan the past four or so months. Well, most of you will get your wish (for the time being at least). As of two days ago, Morgan & I aren’t talking to each other anymore. She said all of her peace and says that she has to be alone, because she doesn’t want to have another destructive relationship like her last two. Another situation where I’m taking the heat and consequences because of actions caused by lesser “men”. I know she’s scared of getting hurt again. I’m scared too. I know that she’s self conscious because her exes didn’t support her and made her feel worthless about herself. I’ve tried to tell her how beautiful and amazing she is at every opportunity that I had. I honestly want her to be happy and see herself the way that I see her. Anyways last night I come home and realize that she had deleted and blocked me on facebook. My guess is that it’s because she’s trying to make a decision and stand by it no matter how hard it is. Everytime that she would get close to me & open up, she’d pull back on the reigns and get farther away from me and that has kept going on for the past three to four months. Eventually she decided that she needs to figure herself out on her own and her life and goals and career and where she wants to be headed in the future. I know that I love her with all of my heart. Does this hurt me? More than anyone could ever know, but if I ever want to be with her, then I’ll have to let this happen. I have no choice. I want her to be happy, so I’m giving her the space that she’s desperately needed all along. She told me that her breaking my heart broke her heart. If that made any sense then I’d believe it. She also said that if she could open her heart up to me that she would, but that she can’t. I don’t know why. I know she’s been hurt, but she’s known me long enough to know that I’m sincere and that I want to enhance her life, not hinder it. Love is a tricky thing. You love someone with all of your heart, yet you feel worthless about yourself for doing so. Why did God make it where we could fall in love with people that couldn’t love us back or that we couldn’t be with? All I know is that I’ll keep praying about this until I get some answers, because I need some closure right now and I have very little.

Worth Fighting For

I don’t know what to do anymore. I thought things had been going better with Morgan and I, then randomly she’s M.I.A. for 4 days (turns out it’s because her exes are psycho) and now it’s in a weird situation again. I went to Warped Tour today which was all well and fine. When I got home, I realized that Morgan’s comments to me weren’t on my page anymore. I realized that she had deleted her FB page. I then texted her asking about her day and her trip she’s taking to visit her nephew and asked if she deleted her page. She decided to delete like everyone of her social networking sites to get her priorities in order, and to rest, recoup, & meditate. She says she just needs air and space. I love her. I may not know many things in life, but that’s one thing that I know for sure. I also don’t know many things about my future, but I definitely want her in my life. I never truly knew how much someone could love another until I met her. She’s everything that I’ve always looked for and then some. So to have to go long periods of time without seeing her and sometimes without even talking to her. It just gets rough. Now, on top of that, I don’t even have her pictures to look at or her poetry to read to help ease my mind. I wish I knew what the future had in store, because I can’t quit living like this, but then again without her in my life, there’s not much out there that’s worth living for. She’s always on my mind and in my heart. Now the only ways I can communicate with her are via text and email and the only picture I can see of her is the one she sent me to my phone a couple months ago. I just wish that she could see that I’m nothing like her exes. Anyone that knows me for more than five minutes could tell you that. I genuinely want to show her how great she is and I never want her to get hurt again. I saw this girl at Warped Tour today that had no hair…completely shaved, including her eyebrows. My assumption is that she’s a cancer patient. My first thought was I’d still love Morgan if she was bald. Idc if Morgan became blind, deaf, disabled, or had to have her head & eyebrows shaved. She would still be the same gorgeous woman to me. People think that cynicism is the breeding ground for most of my thoughts, but trust me I truly believe in my heart everything that I’ve said so far. I don’t care if she decided to never wear makeup again and to only wear sweatpants and hoodies for the rest of her life. I personally think she looks gorgeous without makeup. I just hate that I don’t know what the future has in store. I know that I’m in love with her, so trying to “move on”, isn’t fair to my heart. I will give her all the time that s he needs to clear her had and get her priorities in order. I just hope that I’m a priority. Since she started this internship I honestly don’t know how she feels about me anymore. Like we saw Toy Story 3 together last week and it was really cute & sweet. Since then, I’ve only seen her once and that was for 10 minutes on Saturday at her house. I pray to God about this multiple times a day and I’m hoping that he’ll answer my prayers some day soon. I’ve been rejected by girls before and have been able to bounce back up and forget about them. Morgan isn’t one of those girls. I seriously am madly in love with her. Once again none of my friends, enemies or acquaintances wants to believe me. Everyone that I’ve come in contact with in the last couple months has more or less told me that I don’t deserve love because I’m hideous. The sad thing is that I bought into that philosophy for awhile and still to a degree, but I’ve never wanted to fight for someone so much in my life. She’s worth every tear that I shed, every sleepless night spent thinking about her, and everything that I have. A few months back I was at rock bottom, I was to the point where suicide was a very real option for me. Then one day Morgan sat by me and I was in awe from “Hello”. I truly believe that she saved me. I’ve never told her that & probably never will. All I know is that she’s the only person that has made me happy the past few months. She makes me feel emotions that I didn’t even knew existed. If I end up with her, then nothing in my past even matters. She’s all that matters to me. She means too much for me to just give up. She’s worth fighting for.

Confused

I hate feeling like I’m making constant mistakes over & over again. A few weeks ago, I felt on top of the world & it felt like she enjoyed talking to me and like she really liked me. She even asked me to text her more, she’d always text me telling me that she missed me and I was beyond smitten. Then I had to be a dumbass and tell her that I liked her. You’d think that it’d be the smart idea, but if it was the smart idea then I’d hate to know what the dumb idea was. Anyways nowadays it feels like all I do is annoy her. I really care for her more than you could even comprehend. I would do literally anything for her, yet nowadays it seems like all I do is bother her & that she doesn’t like talking to me and that she sees me as nothing. I want to wait for her, I truly do. She’s my dream woman, but if I keep myself out the re and am never given a chance then it will severely hurt me. She’s the most beautiful woman that I have ever met. Guys have hurt her in her past, but I’m not like them. I want to try and show her who I really am, but it seems as if she doesn’t even want me to get close to her. I’m trying to just be as supportive of her as I can be & just be as sincere as I possibly can and maybe someday she’ll realize that I’ve been here all along. :-/ I hate being in so much pain. When you care for someone deeply, you want to be with them. I’ve only got to see her one time in the past three weeks though and it’s killing me. I keep praying to God, hoping that he’ll give me answers of what to do and it seems to calm me down every once & awhile. I just hope that she can see through my eyes and see everything that I see in her.

What’s the point?

If you feel dead inside, then what makes you any different than someone who’s actually dead? It’s a constant internal struggle for me to be able to make it through everyday. I hate having a big heart, I’ve always kept my heart open & tried to listen to people when they needed an ear, or helped people if they needed a favor. I considered myself a good person. The older I get, however, I realize that I’m probably not a good person at all, I mean why else would so many people hate me & so called “friend” turn their back on me and stop talking to me all together. Why else would I be seen as a disease to every female in the world? I hate the feeling of knowing that I have no one that I can count on, no one to tell me that they love me, no one to be there for me when I’m down & out and feel like I can’t go on. All I want is for someone to care for me, the way that I care for them. I don’t care about anything anymore but trying to find love. Everyone always says “don’t try to find love it will find you”, well when the fuck is it going to find me?! I’m 22 years old, going on 85, & no one in this life has ever loved me, or cared for me, or even remotely liked me. I don’t know what to do. I’m full of rage, disgust, hatred, wrath, anger, & disappointment. I know I should try and be calm and wait it out, but I can’t. I see all of my friends going off and finding love and moving on with their lives and most of which have even stopped talking to me, but I haven’t found anyone. Am I really that naive to believe that I will find love? or better yet am I really that conceited to believe that I deserve anyone’s affection? I cry myself to sleep most nights, hoping that I will wake up in a different place, a different world, where there isn’t war, where people don’t back stab each other, where everyone isn’t so shallow & where people see you and love you for who you are, not for the things that you have or the people you know. However, another day goes by and it’s the same as the last. Have I already reached the pinnacle of my life? & if that’s the case, then kill me now. I don’t think that I could be any unhappier than I already am. I just don’t know who I can turn to & who I can trust anymore. Everything around me seems to be breaking, every possession, every relationship (family, friends, & the girls I long for). My scars aren’t healing, they’re only getting bigger. When did love become a thing that is just wanted & isn’t “needed”. If anyone has the answer, I’m here to listen. People try to change me, to make me more attractive to women, but in all honesty if every woman in this world is so shallow that a hair transplant and new clothes are the only things that I’d have to change to get them to like me, then I guess I’ll be alone forever. All I know is that I can feel my heart collapsing, it’s yearning for its counterpart, but it can’t find it. I don’t know how much longer I can punish my heart. :’(

“I Could Use A Friend To Say They Love Me”

I wish I could find a way to cope with how I feel…I hate this alexithymic feeling. I guess since my childhood was rushed, my brain development was rushed too. I’ve constantly felt like I’m twenty years older than I actually am…since I was like 12 years old. When you’re thrown into the real world, you can either drown or learn to swim. I chose doggy paddling. I’ve done enough to stay alive & keep breathing, but that’s about it. I constantly think about what could have been if I had taken different paths in life and it’s an unsettling feeling. I chose the path of staying true to myself in every aspect of who I am, yet I feel like I took the wrong path. In this world, especially in this country, if you have any morals then you’re automatically looked down upon. Only way people respect you in this world is if you back stab people, are corrupt, fuck anything that moves, and take any drug/liquid that will erase your pain. I grew up in a household where my mother would constantly get beaten by my dad, and I’d have no choice but to witness it, because I was too small to stop it. Seeing all of this left me with  a complacent feeling. I try to look back on all of my women problems and I constantly try to piece together everything in my life that led to me being outcast and shunned by the opposite sex. I wish had an off switch to my brain or at the very least a battery compartment, where I can drain my thoughts if only for a little while. This world is so ridiculous, I approach life with a Paul Rudd-esque facade…with his “what the fuck is going on?!” face where he can’t believe everyone around him is so fucking blind and stupid. That’s how I feel. Up until I was 18 or so, I had kept my heart closed and guarded, because after losing so many people that I love to death, I didn’t want to open up to anyone new and risk being hurt again. When I met Rachael Richardson (from now on I’ll refer to her as Richardson to avoid confusion, due to other Rachels I know), I almost immediately let my guard down and was a fool. Most of you know how this story panned out, so I’ll save you the details. Since her, I’ve went through a few severe crushes that have crippled me emotionally, mentally, and even physically in some ways…if you look at my overall psyche. Other then the few severe crushes, there were a dozen other women or so that I gave pieces of my heart to too. I’m the toughest critic when it comes to myself, yet I’m still at a loss for words for how my love life, or lack thereof one, has gone my whole life. Why am I the one that has to suffer? I have nothing but pure intentions all the time, yet I’m alienated and ostracized…people see me as a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t take this anymore, like all of this keeps building up inside me tell I’m going to blow, I have so much love to give that it’s insane. I guess what scares me most of all, is that I’m back to thinking about suicide on a regular basis again. Everyone has some sort of premonition about how they’re going to die, my prophecies have always involved me committing suicide and that scares the living daylights out of me. I feel like I have nothing to continue living for. The only one in my family that ever truly care for me, killed herself 8 years ago (my mom R.I.P.). I have a lot of distant friends and I tend to surround myself with a lot of acquaintances to pass the time, but most of the time I feel like that’s all they’re there for to speed up another hour off of my internal clock. I’ve been listening to the song “I Was A Cage” by Right Away, Great Captain! a lot recently because I feel like I can relate a lot to it, especially the lyric “I could use a friend to say they love me”, I feel like I’m alone in this world and that makes it harder to press on. I’m only 22 years old, yet it seems like everyone around me has their life in order and yet I’m so confused. Most people have huge aspirations in life and big dreams of things that they want to accomplish in their life, for me I just want to meet a genuine sweet girl and start a family. I love kids more than you would ever know (not in a pedophilic way; it’s sad that our wrld has come to the point where you have to clarify something like that). I just feel like I may be alone the rest of my life. I’ve always been alone. I’ve asked out maybe three dozen women in my life, and I’ve been rejected every single time. One man can only take so much rejection, before they can’t go on. I feel like I’m the worst person in the entire world, that’s how people have made me feel. Do you know how it feels to constantly be told that you don’t deserve to have someone love you? I think I’m too much of a coward to ever commit suicide, but I’m so ansy and need to release all of these emotions that I have bottled up inside of me. I’ll never give in to being some roid raging meathead baphoon who abuses his girlfriend and doesn’t care about her, that’s not in my character. Maybe I care too much and maybe I always will, but that’s who I am. What I hate more than anything is girls that use me. Every woman out there has one guy that they can talk to about anything and make them feel better, well we’re tired of being your puppets. Women, next time you’re upset and are talking to your sap, step back and observe what you’re doing, 9 times out of 10 the guy that you’re getting comforted by is the guy that actually truly likes you. He doesn’t care if you wear makeup or not, he’ll always be there for you and he won’t try to turn you into something you’re not. Women like guys like us when something goes wrong, but they’d rather stay to some piece of shit prick that treats them like shit, because they don’t ahve  a sense of what they’re doing and who they’re hurting, but guys like us are too nice to tell you off and tell you that we won’t console you. I just can’t take these daggers in my heart anymore. I’m on life support…

“Maybe Love’s Best Left To Who Care’s Less”

Thought an obligatory lyric by The Graduate would sum up this post. Well it’s been awhile tumblr. I’m still as lost & confused as I was the last time I wrote on here. Maybe even more so. Rumors about what women really look for in guys have been greatly exaggerated. Great personality? False. Someone who’s funny? Nada. Sincerity? Yeah right. Someone who will treat them right? If a black eye counts. Women try and build up their reputations by making the world see their mind games as innocent tomfoolery instead of taking them for what they are. Women act like all guys are shallow, insecure, arrogant assholes. Let me tell you, there are a lot of pricks like this, but most of the men like this are in relationships. So where’s the justice? I try to be the best man that I can be. I’m sincere, I try and be nice, I consider myself funny and I don’t consider myself (that) ugly. Yet, I feel like I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sloth from “The Goonies.” Whatever horrid monster you prefer from 1980’s fiction. I don’t consider myself shallow. Let me reiterate that, I don’t consider myself anymore shallow than the average human being. I do find redeeming qualities in various women that attract me to them, but not all of them are purely on a physical level. I just feel like there is no woman out there that understands the plight of the modern day hopeless romantic. I see women that I think are beautiful, that look miserable with who they’re with, because their boyfriends treat them like shit. It makes me want to throw up, because I know that I’m more of a man than most of these assholes. People tell me that I need to try harder, but if I haven’t been trying hard enough, then I don’t know if I can handle trying harder. Maybe I should end my suffering and settle with the next woman that I run into, but then again I’ve never been one to settle. Settling means you’ve given up on everything that you stood for and anyone that knows me knows that I’m the farthest from that. I guess I have to hold on to hope and clinch on tight and wait for fate to pave out my destiny. I just feel so utterly hopeless, because no woman has ever given me the time of day. I find a single girl I like and she is going after another guy (and/or) doesn’t like me. I find a girl that I think likes me and I find out she has a boyfriend. It’s a never ending process. As Bryce Avary from The Rocket Summer once said, “There’s so much love clinched within our fist.” That lyrics has never rung truer to me, that sums up my feelings recently perfectly. I feel like I have so much love to give, but no one to reciprocate the feeling. Another lyric that seems to fit right here is that of the one & only Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes), he said “To love or be loved.” Maybe we are destined to be one or the other: a lover or the one being loved. Maybe we can never completely be both. If so then this is a cruel world that we live in. Almost all of the good guys I know are single. I mean Nick has Erin and she’s cool as hell and I’m happy for them. Weston is finally paving a road with Alex and I’m happy for them as well, but besides them two, I can’t think of any of my really good friends that I consider nice guys that have someone that cares for them. I’m just tired of hearing women say that there are no more nice guys out there, when they continually reject them and then go on to the next asshole that trips them down 3 flights of stairs. I just wish women wouldn’t be so naive, all of this naivity is causing pain & heart ache for everyone involved…except for the bros that you continually going back for. If I was shy and stayed in my comfy little hermit shell, then I would have no reason to bitch, but I’m not. I continually go out and tell the women that I like how I feel about them and one after another rejects me. Tall, short, big, skinny, white, asian, hispanic, it doesn’t matter what characteristics each of these women have, they all obviously find me as less than a person, they find me as a plague infested leper. I didn’t think that one free dinner would physically kill someone, but apparently it must if this many women find lame excuses to reject me. I mean come on. Are there any women out there with any heart left? Or is it tucked away with their dignity that they lose when they keep their legs open for any viser wearing, jagermeister chugging frat guy with whiskey dick that wants to get his snaked petted. I mean it’s not like I’m asking for too much. I’m looking for a genuinely sweet woman that has better things to do than waste their lives on drugs and alcohol (I don’t care if they drink or smoke weed occasionally; but I don’t want an addict or a smoker) and someone that knows who they are in this world, without pretending to be something they aren’t. Pure beauty is better than dolled up silicon bimbos any day of the week. So, I will leave you with a question. Does this woman exist? If so, then where is she? I certainly haven’t met her yet, if you do send her my way.

New Year’s Eve

So, earlier in the day I was bored and it seemed as if nothing was transpiring for plans for tonight. After constant debating with myself, I chose to drive back to Edwardsville/Glen Carbon for New Year’s Eve. I knew that there would be a dry party at Frank’s house in Granite City, which sounded like more of my cup of tea anyways, since I don’t drink and I wanted to be around people that had some moral fibers in their body. So I get there with Mees and his friend Jennifer around 7:45ish and then shortly after we get there we’re told that we’ll be taking part in a Scavenger Hunt…so I got paired up in a group with my good buddy Will, his friend Michael and Michael’s date Emily. So after an hour of driving around Granite City completing tasks that included us singing “American Pie” at a random bar on the edge of town, dipping my bare feet in Wilson park’s lake and a chinese fire drill, we finally made our way back to Frank’s so that they could tally up the score. I had felt pretty confident, until we got back to the house and every other group was talking about how well they did, but when the scores came back we found out that we won by 85 points over the 2nd place team 365 to 280 and the 3rd place team had like 225 or something, but anyways so everyone in our group won a $10 giftcard to Wal Mart. While I was at the party I ate some food and conversed with pretty much everyone there. I’ve been trying to meet some girls that are innocent and have some principles and morals, so going to positive things such as this dry party and the Christian Bible studies have been leading me in the right direction. While I was there though I met this girl named Denae, who upon first glance found quite enchanting, very beautiful…glimmering blonde hair, pearly white teeth, ample freckles placed on her face, she just came off as really sweet, which is the type of girl I’m really attracted to, but I think my friend Will likes her. When talking to Will about her in the car on the way to pick up his friend Michael, he seemed to hint at the fact that he likes her a lot, so that’s a tough situation. Very few girls catch my interest at first glance, but she did. Then later into the party my friend Cody showed up with his friend Brad, shortly after they got there it turned midnight and I drank some sparking red juice which was good. The party was full of very genuine, heartfelt people, that I wish I was surrounded by on a daily basis, unfortunately that’s usually not the case. Cody, Brad, and I left the dry party shortly after midnight, once we got back into Edwardsville we stopped by Cody’s friend’s Shaw’s house and we just chilled there for a bit and everyone there was just drinking and they were all laid back so it was cool, but while we were outside on the balcony, Brad yelled at this dude named Schmookie, cuz he had delivered pizza to him before, so 5 of us head down to Schmookie’s place which came off as shady from the start. After I’m there for like 30 minutes or so I made up some bullshit excuse to head back to Shaw’s place again and get the fuck away from the bros at Schmookie’s. Then after a little bit of nagging I convinced Cody to take me back to Mees’ house so I could get my car, once I got back to Mees’ I went in for a bit to hang out with him and the handful of people still left there. I had met all the people there, except for this random black guy that was a character, I believe his name was Jimmy or Johnny or something random, but anyways he had no front teeth and he was wearing this weird pizza shaped hat, but he was making everyone (including me) bust out laughing, funny ass dude. All in all, I guess the moral of the story is you don’t need alcohol/drugs/cigarettes to have fun. I mean I went to four parties tonight and yet the dry party was hands down the most fun I had all night and it had the only cute, single girl that I met all night at it too. Boring people need substances to alter their state of consciousness to try and make themselves think they’re happy while with the people at the dry party, everyone was genuinely having a good time. I just wish I could meet more cute girls that weren’t sluts, and that didn’t need substances to pass the time. Like I said Danae was pretty, but if Will’s trying to get here, I’ll have to step aside..as weird as that sounds. O well tonight was one of the best New Year’s Eves that I’ve ever had, it’s ranked up there with the few consecutive First Nights in Springfield where they had awesome bands playing and funny comedians, but that’s been 5 years or so back. Well I hope everyone else had a great New Year’s too, may this new decade bring everyone pure happiness. I hope I meet a girl this year that likes me for me, doesn’t use/need substances and is pure, genuine and most of all sweet/honest/trustworthy. I just want a pure adorable woman that I can fall in love with. Welp I hope everyone else has their New Year’s resolutions come true, and I hope mine of finding a good/sweet girl comes true too.

Best Of 2009

Top 10 CDs Of 2009:

10.This Providence - “Who Are You Now?”

9.Set Your Goals - “This Will Be The Death Of Us”

8.Fun. - “Aim And Ignite”

7.The Dangerous Summer - “Reach For The Sun”

6.Manchester Orchestra - “Mean Everything To Nothing”

5.Thrice - “Beggars”

4.As Tall As Lions - “You Can’t Take It With You”

3.Rx Bandits - “Mandala”

2.P.O.S. - “Never Better”

1.Brand New - “Daisy”

Honorable Mentions:

Deas Vail - “Birds And Cages”

Sleeping At Last - “Storyboards”

Person L - “The Positives”

Portugal. The Man - “The Satanic Satanist”

MC Lars - “This Gigantic Robot Kills”

Check Here at the end of the year for my finalized top 50 CDs of 2009 List ( http://rateyourmusic.com/lists/list_view?list_id=161078&show=50&start=0)

Top 10 Songs Of 2009:

10.Manchester Orchestra- “It’s Okay With Me”

9.Mae - “The Fisherman Song (We All Need Love)”

8.Set Your Goals - “The Few That Remain”

7.Ace Enders And A Million Different People - “Leader”

6.Brand New - “Daisy”

5.As Tall As Lions - “In Case Of Rapture”

4.Thrice - “In Exile”

3.The Dangerous Summer - “Weathered”

2.Deas Vail - “Birds”

1.P.O.S. - “Purexed”

Top 3 Movies Of The Year:

3.The Blind Side

2.Funny People

1.500 Days Of Summer

Welp, that’s my best of 2009 list, hopefully you enjoyed it, be sure to add comments with your own favorites of 2009, hopefully 2010 will bring some awesome music too!