So I’ve been home for summer for about 38 days and I must say so far summer has been less than fun. This is the first break since I started college, where I’ve been absolutely bored outta my mind almost the entire time. On top of that it seems like my whole world has been turned upside down. Of the group of people I hung out with most of last summer, I’ve only hung out with 3 of them at least a handful of times (out of the 20 or so that hung out all the time last summer): my brother Josh, Homeless Rob, & Pittman. I got to see Wade like three times before he went off to California for his internship with Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire. I haven’t hung out with Blake at all, I’ve talked to him a few times and went to his graduation, but ever since he got messed up with drugs (cocaine, oxycontin, synthetic heroin, etc) he hasn’t had the time to hang out with me. Jones, my oldest friend, I’ve known him since 5th grade, got evicted from his house last month, so he had to move back in with his mom and she lives a few hours away. So besides when he came to visit me on Monday, I haven’t got to hang out with him anymore. Pinky and Will are always working, and barely answer my calls/texts. Tommy has a grown up job now, so he’s always working or resting. Mees has hung out with us a few times, but he’s working, getting drunk and going to class (but I guess that’s usually what his schedule is). Difascio has a girlfriend now and still works a shit ton, so I’ve only got to hang out with him once. I guess what I’m getting at is that it seems like almost everyone that I consider my friend has time for everyone and everything that isn’t me. It feels as if no one even wants me around anymore, so they’re trying to inch me out of their lives, until they won’t even talk to me anymore. Every day that I wake up, I feel as if one more thing is missing from my life. Every day that I wake up, another piece of me dies. I’m at a crossroads in life, but I forgot to look both ways, & a semi, driven by a drunk 45 year old man fed up with life, ran me over going 100 mph in a 65 zone. I wish I knew what I wanted & what I needed. All I know is that I can’t keep living like this, feeling this, & dying like this. I want what everyone wants. Family, friends, & a loved one that care for me. I feel as if I’ll die without any of these. A family for which I will never meet their expectations. Friends whom all I do is annoy & bother, and become one big nuisance towards. I’ll never have a loved one, my greatest loves in life, find their man, create their child(ren), and start their own lives, without me. No matter how hard I try, all I do is get in the way of the people that mean anything to me. So, I guess what I’m getting at is from now on I’ll keep to myself and stay out of everyone’s way, out of everyone’s life, because after all I’m just one big fuck up.