The summer has come to an end and that’s definitely a bitter feeling. All of my friends are going back to school, while I’ve decided to stay in Springfield and take classes at LLCC this semester due to money issues. I think I’m going crazy. I’ve been trying to find a job for the past 4 months, but have had no luck and my money that I’ve had in savings is dwindled down to my final $700, so I’m starting to really freak out and get into panic mode. Student loan companies are getting stricter on the amount of money you can borrow, so getting money for living expenses is near impossible now (which is why I’m staying in town this semester). I’ve also been in a severe state of depression recently. The kind of depression where you sit back and think of every little situation, good or bad, that has involved me and wonder what the end result would’ve been if I had never been in that situation or person’s life. I seem to keep slipping more and more and I fear that I am completely lost. More than once a day I hear how worthless & pathetic I am from more than one person. Maybe I’m the reason that everyone that encounters me turns out more fucked up than before they met me. I’m disgusted by the way a lot of people I used to know really well have changed and in turn am disgusted at the way I’ve stayed the same. I mean I’m happy I’ve stayed true to every little thing that makes me, me, but I’m disgusted at the fact that most people won’t take me for me. I need to leave Illinois. Everything that I love about the Midwest is everything that I loathe about the Midwest. I just need an escape, maybe I need to escape myself, I really don’t know. What I do know is that I need to find change sooner than later or I’ll be digging my own grave. I’m tired of feeling so alone in this world. Everyone that’s around me is fake more times than not. They use me for as much as I’ll give them, then leave like everyone/everything else. Stipulational love is stupid: fake family, fake friends, fake women, a fake life. I’m sad more than I’m happy nowadays and it just brings down everyone else. While I try to help everyone, I end up hurting them more than I help them. Everyone around me’s starting their life, while my life’s paused when it’s not being rewound over and over again. Two of the girls that I’ve liked the most in my life (including the only woman I’ve loved) are married and have baby boys. It’s surreal to me how fast everyone’s getting married and starting families. I want people around me that actually give a shit about me and these days it seems like it’s no one. One of these days I’m going to pack my car and drive far away and not look back and start a new life.”