I wish I could find a way to cope with how I feel…I hate this alexithymic feeling. I guess since my childhood was rushed, my brain development was rushed too. I’ve constantly felt like I’m twenty years older than I actually am…since I was like 12 years old. When you’re thrown into the real world, you can either drown or learn to swim. I chose doggy paddling. I’ve done enough to stay alive & keep breathing, but that’s about it. I constantly think about what could have been if I had taken different paths in life and it’s an unsettling feeling. I chose the path of staying true to myself in every aspect of who I am, yet I feel like I took the wrong path. In this world, especially in this country, if you have any morals then you’re automatically looked down upon. Only way people respect you in this world is if you back stab people, are corrupt, fuck anything that moves, and take any drug/liquid that will erase your pain. I grew up in a household where my mother would constantly get beaten by my dad, and I’d have no choice but to witness it, because I was too small to stop it. Seeing all of this left me with  a complacent feeling. I try to look back on all of my women problems and I constantly try to piece together everything in my life that led to me being outcast and shunned by the opposite sex. I wish had an off switch to my brain or at the very least a battery compartment, where I can drain my thoughts if only for a little while. This world is so ridiculous, I approach life with a Paul Rudd-esque facade…with his “what the fuck is going on?!” face where he can’t believe everyone around him is so fucking blind and stupid. That’s how I feel. Up until I was 18 or so, I had kept my heart closed and guarded, because after losing so many people that I love to death, I didn’t want to open up to anyone new and risk being hurt again. When I met Rachael Richardson (from now on I’ll refer to her as Richardson to avoid confusion, due to other Rachels I know), I almost immediately let my guard down and was a fool. Most of you know how this story panned out, so I’ll save you the details. Since her, I’ve went through a few severe crushes that have crippled me emotionally, mentally, and even physically in some ways…if you look at my overall psyche. Other then the few severe crushes, there were a dozen other women or so that I gave pieces of my heart to too. I’m the toughest critic when it comes to myself, yet I’m still at a loss for words for how my love life, or lack thereof one, has gone my whole life. Why am I the one that has to suffer? I have nothing but pure intentions all the time, yet I’m alienated and ostracized…people see me as a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t take this anymore, like all of this keeps building up inside me tell I’m going to blow, I have so much love to give that it’s insane. I guess what scares me most of all, is that I’m back to thinking about suicide on a regular basis again. Everyone has some sort of premonition about how they’re going to die, my prophecies have always involved me committing suicide and that scares the living daylights out of me. I feel like I have nothing to continue living for. The only one in my family that ever truly care for me, killed herself 8 years ago (my mom R.I.P.). I have a lot of distant friends and I tend to surround myself with a lot of acquaintances to pass the time, but most of the time I feel like that’s all they’re there for to speed up another hour off of my internal clock. I’ve been listening to the song “I Was A Cage” by Right Away, Great Captain! a lot recently because I feel like I can relate a lot to it, especially the lyric “I could use a friend to say they love me”, I feel like I’m alone in this world and that makes it harder to press on. I’m only 22 years old, yet it seems like everyone around me has their life in order and yet I’m so confused. Most people have huge aspirations in life and big dreams of things that they want to accomplish in their life, for me I just want to meet a genuine sweet girl and start a family. I love kids more than you would ever know (not in a pedophilic way; it’s sad that our wrld has come to the point where you have to clarify something like that). I just feel like I may be alone the rest of my life. I’ve always been alone. I’ve asked out maybe three dozen women in my life, and I’ve been rejected every single time. One man can only take so much rejection, before they can’t go on. I feel like I’m the worst person in the entire world, that’s how people have made me feel. Do you know how it feels to constantly be told that you don’t deserve to have someone love you? I think I’m too much of a coward to ever commit suicide, but I’m so ansy and need to release all of these emotions that I have bottled up inside of me. I’ll never give in to being some roid raging meathead baphoon who abuses his girlfriend and doesn’t care about her, that’s not in my character. Maybe I care too much and maybe I always will, but that’s who I am. What I hate more than anything is girls that use me. Every woman out there has one guy that they can talk to about anything and make them feel better, well we’re tired of being your puppets. Women, next time you’re upset and are talking to your sap, step back and observe what you’re doing, 9 times out of 10 the guy that you’re getting comforted by is the guy that actually truly likes you. He doesn’t care if you wear makeup or not, he’ll always be there for you and he won’t try to turn you into something you’re not. Women like guys like us when something goes wrong, but they’d rather stay to some piece of shit prick that treats them like shit, because they don’t ahve  a sense of what they’re doing and who they’re hurting, but guys like us are too nice to tell you off and tell you that we won’t console you. I just can’t take these daggers in my heart anymore. I’m on life support…