If you feel dead inside, then what makes you any different than someone who’s actually dead? It’s a constant internal struggle for me to be able to make it through everyday. I hate having a big heart, I’ve always kept my heart open & tried to listen to people when they needed an ear, or helped people if they needed a favor. I considered myself a good person. The older I get, however, I realize that I’m probably not a good person at all, I mean why else would so many people hate me & so called “friend” turn their back on me and stop talking to me all together. Why else would I be seen as a disease to every female in the world? I hate the feeling of knowing that I have no one that I can count on, no one to tell me that they love me, no one to be there for me when I’m down & out and feel like I can’t go on. All I want is for someone to care for me, the way that I care for them. I don’t care about anything anymore but trying to find love. Everyone always says “don’t try to find love it will find you”, well when the fuck is it going to find me?! I’m 22 years old, going on 85, & no one in this life has ever loved me, or cared for me, or even remotely liked me. I don’t know what to do. I’m full of rage, disgust, hatred, wrath, anger, & disappointment. I know I should try and be calm and wait it out, but I can’t. I see all of my friends going off and finding love and moving on with their lives and most of which have even stopped talking to me, but I haven’t found anyone. Am I really that naive to believe that I will find love? or better yet am I really that conceited to believe that I deserve anyone’s affection? I cry myself to sleep most nights, hoping that I will wake up in a different place, a different world, where there isn’t war, where people don’t back stab each other, where everyone isn’t so shallow & where people see you and love you for who you are, not for the things that you have or the people you know. However, another day goes by and it’s the same as the last. Have I already reached the pinnacle of my life? & if that’s the case, then kill me now. I don’t think that I could be any unhappier than I already am. I just don’t know who I can turn to & who I can trust anymore. Everything around me seems to be breaking, every possession, every relationship (family, friends, & the girls I long for). My scars aren’t healing, they’re only getting bigger. When did love become a thing that is just wanted & isn’t “needed”. If anyone has the answer, I’m here to listen. People try to change me, to make me more attractive to women, but in all honesty if every woman in this world is so shallow that a hair transplant and new clothes are the only things that I’d have to change to get them to like me, then I guess I’ll be alone forever. All I know is that I can feel my heart collapsing, it’s yearning for its counterpart, but it can’t find it. I don’t know how much longer I can punish my heart. :’(